While visiting a farm for some autumn festivities this year, a very dear friend of mine turned to me and asked “How would you respond to a 2-3 year old for not listening to you after you told them to clean up their toys?”. One of my favorite things about this particular friendship is how real my sister in Christ is. She has such an amazing heart for God. She reminds me of my own earnest desire to learn from my Lord and sit at His feet, so naturally our conversations go deep fast. I thought for a moment, my youngest at the time was 5 so naturally I had to recall the archives of my experience. At first I thought “ I would clean up the toy and explain to the child that the toy was going away because they didn’t listen.” But then I remembered the age group we were discussing and their capacities. I told my friend “I’m a big fan of time out at that age.” We discussed a little further and then my friend asked “Why does time out work?” Again, I love this sister so much, I could feel the wonderful sensation, of the gears in my brain being to turn recalling all those moments when I would go to the Lord and ask the same raw questions “Why Lord? Why is this your way? Why does this work?”. Not as to question God and His answer, but rather to know Him and understand His thoughts more completely, if that was at all possible. I would find out it is possible and God loves that kind of closeness with us and in fact desires it with us.
To answer my friend I recalled the wisdom I received when asking The Lord “Why does time out work?”. The revelation I received came from all the way back to the beginning, in the Genesis account when Adam and Eve sinned. What was the initial and ultimate consequence of their sin that would play out through human history? Separation, from God Himself. First physical separation out from the garden that the Lord God created and gave to them. Next came spiritual separation that one day would need to be remedied by The only Begotten of the Father, Jesus the Anointed one. If we never accept the truth of this free gift of salvation we would never have access to His presence here in this life. We would miss out on experiencing the help that He ordained through the person and ministry of the Holy Spirit. Access to the Spirit of Grace whom our heavenly Father gave as a provision during the interim prior to Christ’s return. Furthermore we wouldn’t know the hope of heaven and the promise of being eternally joined with The Lord when He does return. Being eternally separated from Him is the ultimate consequence of all. Time-out is a tool that simulates the Genesis account separation. It safely creates a healthy level of discomfort for the child to intuitively perceive the connection of consequence.
I would be amiss in this article if I left out briefly discussing and defining the terms of obedience, the soul and repentance, each of which deserve larger scale discussion and explanation. Here are some of my brief thoughts concerning these topics that I think are relevant to the subject of time out. Your expectation of obedience is very important to your parenting journey and being in unity with your spouse regarding obedience expectation is critical. Obedience simply put is; compliance to a command. It is also my understanding that the soul encapsulates a person’s mind, will, emotions and conscience. That means all thoughts, feelings, desires and notions of right and wrong all fall under the complex jurisdiction of the soul’s reign. Repentance is an essential element of the Christian life and is commonly defined as a change of heart that leads to a change in action. All three of these terms generously overlap with the Kingdom topic of sanctification. An obvious fact is we all are inherently sinful. Children have yet learned tactics like adults to hide their sins from the eyes of those around them nor do they have filters. Up to a certain age obedience is a simple task for children to perform. Once they reach the age where their soul starts to develop is where most parents start to experience the struggle of what I call “the battle of the will” which usually happens around age 2-3. In my experience the real issue most parents contend with when it comes to obedience is the timing of it. As the old verbiage goes “Timing is everything.” Knowing what is an appropriate expectation for an obedience response can be tricky for young parents. I can understand the hesitation of younger parents today who don’t want to jump all over their little ones and not give them a chance( or two) to comply. I also see the benefit of older generations having the expectation of immediate obedience, in some instances it can be life saving. I think there is an achievable marriage of these opposite perspectives
So let’s get into it, what does Eden have to do with your time out chair? I was sharing with my friend that by using time-out we can teach our children something inherent about life and the reality of sin. According to the Genesis account, original sin separated us from God. This separation brought the consequence of “death” to our relationship with God and physical death into the world. Time-out is a physical separation and isolation. Let’s quickly run through the progression or ritual of time-Out.The offense occurs (sin), the child is put in time-out chair (separation) with parameters(conditions) for the chair should be simply and clearly explained until you know your child has the ability to explain back why they are in the chair. The child is left to sit for an age appropriate amount of time (1 minute per year of age) to consider their actions and have the consequence of sitting in time-out. Using a kitchen timer is a good tool so you do lose track of time and the child has a concrete sign of when their time is up which can help them in sitting quietly and free to ponder their offence. The consequence of being confined and isolated to the chair, separated from you (the executing parent) and from whatever their wills desire is to do in the moment will bring the necessary discomfort and you will naturally have their attention to have a gentle conversation about the inappropriateness of their disobedience. Then comes repentance, which is simply put your child admitting their behavior, why it was wrong, how it affected others or the environment around them. It should also include their acknowledgement or at the least a conversation depending on their awareness of how the situation can be remedied and any action they need to take to carry out that remedy along with a brief rehashing of how the offence can be avoided in the future with a change in their heart. Regardless of how tender or stubborn your child is the isolation will be challenging at first, facilitating the final step of reconciliation brings a close to the time-out process and gives a formal opportunity for your child to see you intentionally reconnect with them and have a sense of closure that your relationship is restored. Reconciliation helps your child to know the separation is only for a time. God very intentionally made provision for us to be reconciled back to Him and what comfort does that bring to us knowing He made a way!
Practically speaking, we know if and when we go outside the acceptable boundaries or expectation of a relationship an offense comes and creates a separation in the said relationship’s intimacy and connection factors,which in turn requires mending. It is such a privilege to awaken our child’s conscience in this gentle and natural way that brings such value to their lives and builds and strengthens our relationship with them. It is so important to teach our children this critical social skill. If left untaught our children can go about life unaware of basic consequences that can directly affect how they perceive a relationship with God, their future spouse, friends or people they are called to minister. If we refuse the opportunity to guide and shape their consciences intentionally we default our children to haphazardly “learning” consequences which looks a lot like the school of Hard Knocks. It’s of special importance for children to have this experience in their natural relationship with you, so that as they mature you can share seamlessly how a relationship with God can be similar. Ideally our children should be experiencing God’s nature though you as you parent them well before you ever have formal conversations. When there is opportunity to have those conversations be sure to share about God’s free gift of forgiveness, His grace toward us when we sin and the incredible help found in the person of the Holy Spirit. It can not be emphasised enough, a parent should understand the great responsibility they have in being the example, a natural precursor to their children’s understanding of God. Parents need to take great care in how they go about using a powerful tool such as time-out. When done properly it opens the child’s awareness to a very real consequence of distance in the most important natural relationship in their world, their mother(or father). This is not manipulation if done with an intentional plan for reconciliation that is led by the gentle teaching heart of their parents. Fear and shame are the quickest and fleshliest strategies a parent can resort to in these teachable moments. If we don’t seek God to heal our hearts at some point we will parent out of our hurt and insecurities. No one ever intends to pass on generational faults or trauma, but in the end it is very possible.
There is no perfect parent, so it would be helpful to take some time in a time of prayer and ask God to show you how you were parented and if you experienced either of these negative approaches among others. It might present a great opportunity for you to forgive your parents of any lingering hurts, offenses, or insecurities you may have and deal with them the way God sees fit. I have experienced this healing first hand while seeking God for wisdom regarding parenting my children. What I got was the wonderful care and intimate attention of the Holy Spirit. The process was and continues to be a raw one, it’s a door and a conversation with God I always want to keep open. I so value the revelation I get from this time with the Lord, and it continues to be a source of healing for my heart. It’s worth saying again, If we don’t seek God to heal our hearts at some point we will parent out of our hurt and insecurities. No one ever intends to pass on generational faults or traumas.
I’m so in favor of time-out because I firmly believe if done right we can lead and correct our children through the same stages of consequence, repentance and restoration that The Lord has made provision for us. I like to think that my children will be so well versed in having their sin noted and addressed which brings humility, but they have also been lead thought he process of repentance, reconciliation and restoration that when the time comes for them to accept Christ for themselves it will be a testament to them already know a very real attribute of the Living God and enables their surrender all the more.
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